The past two years I have gone on mission trips to Peru and felt the Lord calling me to missions in the near future through those journeys. As I prayed about returning for a third year, I was ready for God to say “go” and instead I heard silence. “Lord, I will drop it all if you just say the word” I reminded Him. A year of waiting for an answer was beginning to feel like trying to find a radio signal in the middle of a terrible storm. While I was telling my friends that I was trusting God, I didn’t yet realize that my brain and heart were on different channels. One late night sitting alone in my room, the hurt and the anger washed over me. I knew that God had a plan and that He was doing something new… I also knew that my heart was broken about not being able to visit the place I love most. That the next time I got a message on WhatsApp from my kids in Peru asking when I was coming back, that I wouldn’t have an answer for them. I was angry that I couldn’t see God’s plan, and then I was angry that I was angry.

God, I just don’t understand. I want to but I don’t.

Dreaming that I was in those mountains with a fist full of pebbles from the dirt road given to me by one of my loved ones, and waking up to my dusty white ceiling fan and the sound of my mom vacuuming in the next room.

God, will I ever go back? Will ever see them again?

Last night my nephew was getting a book from my shelf and stood up, grabbing the middle shelf for support. (Obviously, at his age he doesn’t understand that one should never apply pressure on Walmart furniture). My snow globe collection brought to me by friends and family came tumbling down. The single snow globe that I had purchased, my favorite one, was the only one to shatter. I looked at the tiny Peruvian mountains surrounded by glass and glitter and it was like this tiny world was a direct reflection of what I had been feeling.

When I’m looking at the face of disappointment

I stand before my unparted seas

When my heart has felt the whisper of your promise

That I have yet to see

Before I see the miracle before me

Before the night has given way to dawn

Let my heart be found still singing of your goodness

That you might know my love

Even if the storm never ceases raging

If the water never turns to wine

I will sing aloud the hope that never fails me

I am yours and you are mine

I wish I could end this post with a 5-step tutorial of how to be instantly cured of this feeling, but such thing does not exist. Crowned Beauty, I don’t know what your ‘Peru’ is, but I do know without a shadow of a doubt that God is good. Know that He wounds to heal. Although I have yet to see His promise, I know that He is still good.

Still, you are good

You are good, my father

Still, you are good

You are good

Still, you are good

You are good, my father

Still, you are good to me

Isaiah 41:10

 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Chronicles 16:11

 Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.